Today is IDAHOBIT, the international day against LGBTQIA+ discrimination.
While we think about the homophobia and discrimination directed onto us as a community, let us not forget the beast that is internalised homophobia. Hearing, seeing and envisioning negative depictions of LGBTQIA+ people can lead us to internalise, or take in, these negative messages.
As we grow up, we are taught the values of our society. In our homophobic, heterosexist, discriminatory culture, we may learn negative ideas about homosexuality and same-sex attraction. I grew up in a non-religious environment with the most loving, accepting, generous parents and siblings. But I somehow still managed to develop quite a negative self-view about my sexuality.
As a side note, did you know that the World Health Organization only removed homosexuality from the Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems this day in 1990? Truly baffling.
There was a point from about 2015 to 2016 when I felt somewhat secure and safe in my small regional community, where my physical and psychological safety regarding my sexuality could not be challenged. Yes, there were obviously moments where I needed to behave in a certain way to preserve that safety, but I was, more often than not, comfortable.
At the end of 2016, when discussing introducing some sort of group or program for same-sex attracted students and allies, a problematic former colleague said to me, “We need to start one of those programs. ‘ABCD’, you know, that alphabet thing?”
If it weren’t for wonderful, intelligent, empathetic friends being there in that moment, I probably would have passed that comment off as that person trying to be ‘funny’ or ‘relatable’ and forgotten about it. So, I didn’t forget it, and it sticks with me to this day. That’s when I started to again question my safety in that environment.
This same colleague also said to me multiple times… “it doesn’t bother me that you’re gay.” Then why mention it? It didn’t bother me that they were heterosexual and married. Hell, they wore their wedding ring every day, flaunting their privilege right in front of my face.
But enough about others. Time for me to share my experiences of internalised homophobia.
I’m getting better at the following things, but they still permeate my every day. Now, this isn’t a post for you to go “poor Will” (in either an empathetic or sarcastic way); it’s merely some thoughts I have that I want to share. It may elicit a response; it may not. I can’t control what you think, but don’t feel like you have to say, “Will, you’re great, and we love you”. In the same breath, please don’t say “what about us straight people?” or “you already have the same rights” because that is reductive, and you won’t get sympathy from this guy. If you feel what I’m about to say is problematic or triggering, let me know.
I am so unbelievably afraid of my own gayness* that I do the following:
- Ever-so-slightly furrow my brow and remove the smile from my face as I pass heterosexual-presenting males in the street. Because, you know, lack of emotion is cool, and if I show it, I’ll be gay, “and that’s a bad thing”.
- If I’m reading a book with anything that even remotely suggests homosexuality, I will obstruct the cover. Because, you know, reading is ‘gay’ and reading something about gayness is even gayer, “and that’s a bad thing”.
- I have very dry lips, so I keep them moisturised throughout the day with Blistex. However, when I put it on of a morning, I make sure I wipe it off before I get to the tram, because physical health and self-care are gay, and when people see my visibly moisturised, glossy lips that is obviously gayer, “and that’s a bad thing”.
- When presenting, I attempt to lower the pitch of my voice. I obviously want to make myself more relatable to cishet males, and having a higher pitched voice will make them feel uncomfortable. It also makes me gay, “and that’s a bad thing”.
- Sometimes, I’ll drink beer when all I want is a gin and tonic. I do this because alcohol obviously has a sexual identity, and I don’t want to drink something that presents as gay “because that’s a bad thing”.
- I didn’t watch RuPaul’s Drag Race for years because watching a TV show that promotes inclusivity, self-love and creativity is gay, and you don’t want people thinking you support those things because that is gay, “and that’s a bad thing”.
These are just a very select few examples of my internalised homophobia. I confront them every day and deal with them how they need to be dealt with.
So, to all of those in the LGBTQIA+ community who may sometimes have similar thoughts, try to confront them. Ask yourself why you may be having them, where they started, and if they are preventing you from being your true self, challenge them.
Make good choices,
Will
Not 100% sure why I chose this picture, but I think there's something that eats away at Seymour that makes him think he's not good enough, like internalised homophobia does. Also, I showed it to a couple of colleagues a couple of weeks ago and they were convinced it wasn't me. #acting
*I’m not “unbelievably afraid of my own gayness”. It just sounds more dramatic, and it’s more fun to write. Also, trauma sometimes manifests through comedy. You may not find this funny at all, but if my Bachelor of Creative Arts taught me anything, it’s that art is subjective.
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